If you don't know what the Razzies are, you don't know much pop culture, and you should probably go back to reading The Economist. But for all of us who know how the Razzies select the worst American cinema of the year, their nominations confirm that we were right when we avoided going to see a lot of crap at the movies. Therefore, since I didn't see 90% of the pictures nominated (you can see the nominations here), I will try to point out all the disappointments that stole my precious time.
- Threequels of course: From the first two, it was clear that Spiderman 3 was going to continue the trend of "Days of Our Lives" with special effects. And from the second Pirates, with its unintelligible plot, it was obvious that At World's End would suck (actually it confirms the notion that shooting two sequels at the same time, like for The Matrix, it's a very, very bad idea). But I was disappointed that, after redifining originality in animation with Shrek, and winning skeptics with its sequel, Shrek 3 was so, so bad and most importantly, so not funny, even boring. Now I read that they're going to open Shrek on Broadway. Wasn't all this Disney business model the one that was mocked in the first movie anyway?
- Hannibal Rising: The "back to the origins" treatment didn't work so well for Hannibal Lecter. The character is only interesting when played by Hopkins, and besides, it is most disturbing if we don't know anything of his past. Plus, it is enervating how making Hannibal such a pop culture figure undermines the masterpiece that Silence of the Lambs is.
- Nicolas Cage: I didn't watch Ghost Rider (how could anyone?), but Next was as stupid as they come. I can expect that from the mongoloid (thank you, South Park) but not from Julianne Moore.
- The Number 23: Speaking of stupid, how about this? The plot twist comes from realizing that Topsy Kreet is really Top Secret!
- Javier Bardem playing spanish speaking characters but speaking in english. No doubt he's one of the best, but watching him speak english in Los Fantasmas de Goya was not pleasant. You can't help but feel a little infuriated that a story that is so intrinsically Spanish is being filmed in English but with a spanish actor! Fortunately, I have avoided El Amor en los Tiempos del Colera, where not only him, but italians, americans, english, etc make your ears bleed in outrage.
- Every single horror movie that was released. Apparently horror today means torture, loud electric guitar riffs and MTV editing.
- Bee movie: For the first hour, I thought I was watching Antz. How come the creator of TV's most original sitcom comes up with animation's most derivative movie?
- Elizabeth - Golden Age: It doesn't surprise us anymore that Cate Blanchett is good in anything she plays. But the rest of this movie is a truckload of garbage. Yes, the whole decor and costumes are impressive, but this is a movie, not a Karl Lagersfield show (well, actually, that's exactly what it feels like). The first insult comes from all the actors playing the spanish soldiers, who speak spanish in the movie but are actually english. It's like a complete armada of Bumblebee Men (que bueno pano de cako!). Add to this the spanish supervillian, King Phillip, some religious nut who is a cross between the girl from The Exorcist and Silas from DaVinci code. Then take the dreamy, wet and glowing Clive Owen, straight out from a cheap novel you can buy at your local grocery store. You add up a zillion camera angles, shots and editing that make Transformers seem like Dogma filmmaking plus the soap opera plot with all the bedroom intrigues, and you get a two hour history lesson for dummies.
